Robb commissioned Miss Lone Star from a poor sucker who didn’t know what she was worth. After hauling her from the bottom of the lake, he completed minimal repairs to make her more than sea worthy. He served in the US Army as a Paratrooper and that gave him ample experience to captain our vessel and the souls aboard in the Caribbean Sea. He has the face only a mother could love and never met ice cream he didn’t devour. He is the proud papa of five beautiful children that all have his nose and flat feet. He spends his spare time sharpening knives, watching the symphony and talking in his sleep to Lenny (imaginary friend). He successfully courted our First Mate for eight months. She agreed to marriage after he proposed to her in a phone booth. They met through a classy online dating service.
Mrs. Aubrey is our beautiful First Mate and was reluctant to join the crew at first. That is, until she was promised 2 1/2 shares of Miss Lone Star’s plunder. Her skills as a brave hunter will keep us fed if we get marooned (seriously). She has helpful knowledge of stitching that she gained from torturing small animals throughout her childhood. She might repair the engine, paint a portrait or jump into a flying kung-fu kick at any moment. We firmly believe that she is Roger’s (from American Dad) sister and taught sailors how to speak properly from a young age. Aubrey harnesses a wide array of tactical shooting skills and knife fighting capabilities. Her favorite color is purple.
Blake has wanted to live on a boat since he watched his first episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates. He is our Unable Seaman and longs for the day when he finds his first gold piece. He is also very anxious to “boom” his first shark, although he thinks all of the seafood he consumes is chicken. He has lost more fishing poles in his short life than fishermen twice his age. He has a wicked bad attitude, which is tempered only by his lack of good behavior. We have high hopes for the lad and pray be gets his sea legs to leave the diapers behind. On a serious note, he is a cute little boy who has much to learn. We love his lively imagination and love of the ocean. We think that he will take to the sea-faring life because he has to do what we say. He will likely be found swabbing decks or hunting for lizards on a deserted island naked.
Bianca is probably the most anxious of the crew to begin our voyage. She holds the honorary title Chief Stew until she can learn how to serve herself or pick up her own dishes, for that matter. At that point, she will likely call a mutiny or call a vote to take over as Captain. Bianca’s real talent is art. She has a sparkling natural wonder for the world and its creatures. We think that her Kindergarten teacher’s biggest wish is for her to graduate or get kidnapped, whichever happens first. She doesn’t currently enjoy chores or work of any kind so the transition to cruising life should be interesting. We have no doubt that she will amass enough stories (real or imagined) of life on the high seas to embarrass us and cause most strangers concern. She was voted first kid to get her own reality show in by her fellow classmates in Sunday School. She speaks English and disagrees that “timeout” is in the dictionary.
Onyx might be the most educated and obedient member of the entire crew. She is most content when snuggling the Captain on the couch or terrorizing small dogs and babies. She originally hails from California where she gained her experience as a dope dog for the Sheriff’s Department before she was fired for failing a piss test. She is a good swimmer but prefers the boat to the dinghy. Her biggest regret is not settling the score with the Fed-Ex man before joining our crew. She enjoys type B poodles, gunfire and a good poo in the morning. Her sign is Virgo.